As I was allowed to fare this land once more, I could see anybody without worrying about the consequences. I’m free of all the responsibilities, and in many ways, I’m free of all restraint. I could see anybody I wanted. I didn’t want to see anybody, though. I wished to see somebody: you.
Ten years I spent patiently for that moment, and all that dwelled in my restless mind if you had forgotten me… if you’d thrown my breathing memory to rot in the unforgiving abyss. Well, I hope not. I came back on a long journey for a quick glimpse; I’m a transient traveler, and my intermundial drift is bound to come to an end within a few, so I hoped I could savor every second with you. I’m coming back to see what’s happening and reminisce about what’s happened. After all, you were only a child when I had found my way away. I knew the address, and it wasn’t far from here, so I walked. As I walked, I noticed how people had changed; everybody had somewhere to be ten minutes ago, and no one was stopping for a moment — hell, nobody was stopping for a breath.
I just stopped walking suddenly. I felt an unexplainable connection. I couldn’t recognize the street, yet I recognized the building that stood in my face. That’s where my apartment sat and still sits as it seems. It was an apartment on the 4th floor. It’s 2 A.M., and the main door is locked. I had to use the fire escape staircase behind the building to reach the fourth floor. Of course, all of this would mean nothing if the window was simply shut. Nevertheless, I had to try for all I cared. I energetically climbed the staircase.
I can’t describe my feelings at that moment, but I had never felt my heart pound for a long time. After reaching the fourth floor, I discovered that the window was shut but not the blinds. So, I sat just looking inside, scanning the room. It wasn’t totally dark as some dim lamps were lit. I thought a lot about you leaving the apartment for someone else. I don’t really know where else you could go or want to go, but I sincerely hoped that that wasn’t the case. As my eyes started getting more acclaimed to the dimness, my memories started rushing violently, as kids do at the sound of the school bell of their last class. Good god, If I could tear.
I couldn’t stop remembering the first time you defeated me in Connect Four. It was in that room, your bedroom. I remember coming in through that door every other night to check for monsters in the closet. There never were any, but you couldn’t help yourself — and I understood that. In fact, I was never bothered by it, no matter how many times I felt burnt out. It was always life. It was never the monsters in your closet, your scary nightmares, your uncontrollable playfulness, your urge to show me your silly drawings. No, ultimately, it was always life that did the deed. I remember a night in which you got scarred over your left eyebrow while learning how to ride a bicycle. I remember how much you cried because I also remember how happy you were when I got you your favorite candies that night. The way I saw it, we all deserve that pat on the back when life proves to be most painful, and you certainly deserved that pat on the back.
Somebody opened the door, an unfamiliar silhouette — male in profile, I’d suggest. When his face was exposed to the dim lights of the room, I deduced he wasn’t someone I knew. The worst is true: you left the apartment… but I only wished to see you… Regardless, I stayed to watch him. The first thing that he did was rid himself of the coat he had worn, throwing it on the ground, and then falling into bed. The mere idea of someone else sleeping on that bed in that room except for you was exasperating for some strange reason. Does he ever think about who slept on that bed before him? No king, no prince, no baron, didn’t really have to be, only someone that meant that much to me.
Five minutes later, and only when I thought that he had fallen asleep, I heard muffled sobbing. I… understood. Cold and solitary winter nights with air painted blue with the boldest and dirtiest brushstroke can temptingly drive anyone to climb their own walls. It induces introspection but never the meritorious kind. With no prior alarms, he gets up from the bed to light the desktop lamp. He then takes a couple of tissue papers from the box on the desktop. Next to the tissue box, a dusty blue suspended grid caught my eye. It’s the Connect Four board. You couldn’t have left it with the apartment, could you? Were you simply negligent? Or did you not care about it that much? In an impulsive action, I knocked three times on the window. He immediately noticed the sound and then moved towards the window, towards me. I took a few steps back, all I could on this narrow staircase — I don’t think it was made for my purpose.
He opened the window, and when I thought I could slip inside for a closer look, I realized that it would be much better not to. What looked at me was a pale face, dark circles under his eyes which looked like they were devoid of life, messy facial hair… and a small scar on his left eyebrow, your eyebrow. This is all yours, no one else’s. I could not even recognize you- “What happened?” I asked in a petrified tone. At this moment, I had almost completely lost sight of what I am; a transient transparent traveler of no avail. I came here to fulfill my own wish, and now, I hope I knew better not to wish it.
“Be kind to yourself, son of man,” I whispered in your ears, despite the knowledge that you won’t hear me. As I climbed down the fire exit staircase, I couldn’t think of anything except the past ten years. And now, for the next ten years, I’ll keep wondering if you found solace there or if your search proves to bear no fruit. I walk back, no different than all the indifferent people I saw earlier. I walk back to where I was laid to rest, restless. I walk back to my grave, a grieving soul. I wish I had not seen you.
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Short Story